How painful does it have to get before you stop procrastinating and take action?

Our new baby is now almost three weeks old.  Big brown eyes, long legs, funny little tail, born in a stable…  Gerry was just about to load the very pregnant mare into the horsebox and drive her to the foaling unit when he realised it was too late, she was already in labour.

There followed 40 minutes of tugging, a fair amount of blood, sweat and tears and finally they delivered the horse of a strong healthy colt.  Strange thing is, eleven years ago when I was pregnant, Gerry decided to forego the ‘ringside seat’ in the delivery suite on the grounds that "I’m no good at that sort of thing".

Did he think he’d have to deliver the baby, I wonder?

Proof though that there is a God (divine retribution for his past misdemeanours) and that when the chips are down – and the waters break – we can all do so much more than we would have believed possible.

My planned birth partner was my sister’s boyfriend.  An unusual arrangement but Sue couldn’t even wash out a chicken without feeling faint and sisterly love just didn’t stretch that far.  Besides, Brian was a plumber and I felt he’d probably be quite an asset to the midwife. As luck would have it, he was out on call when I went into labour, ten days early so I ended up with a newly-qualified midwife and a sister so hyper that in between contractions I had to negotiate a deal: she got the gas and air and I got the epidural.

But she was there for me when I needed her and she ended up actually enjoying the whole experience.  As I said, it’s quite surprising what we’re capable of when our escape route has been bricked up and plastered over.  And that’s got me thinking of the whole area of motivation and what it takes to get us into action.

Though there are many times in my life when I’ve failed (you
might remember my attempts to train for the marathon a couple of years
ago), I’ve also achieved the impossible on loads of occasions.  I’ve
designed the perfect job and talked employers into paying me to do it,
left a long-term co-dependent relationship I thought I’d never be free
of, bloody ‘eck, I even gave up chocolate once for an entire week.

We often berate ourselves for lacking the motivation and willpower to
change things for the better: to lose weight, let go of the
relationships that cause unhappiness, find work we love so much we’d do
it for nothing.  And yet, we’ve all at times managed to achieve stuff
that took great effort, courage and determination.

For me the starting point is pain, that’s the most powerful motivator
in my book.  If you hate your job but put up with it week in, week out,
then the pain of doing it is simply less than the pain you think you’ll
feel by leaving.  Maybe it pays well or it’s comfortingly familiar or
your evil boss gives you something great to moan about with your
friends. Whereas a new job would catapult you right out of your zone.

If you’re desperate to lose weight but continue to pile your shopping
trolley with high calorie goodies, then the pain of your middle-age
spread spreading is just not as bad as having to sort out the problems
that you stifle when you’re stuffing food in your mouth.

A few years ago I lost a lot of weight, about four stone in all.  Once
I started to hear people complimenting me on how great I looked and
felt the joy of loose waistbands and shopping for new clothes, I was
motivated by pleasure.  Eating healthily was immeasurably better than
big meals, constant snacks and trying every new chocolate bar that came
on the market – several times just to be sure.

But my initial motivation, what got me out of my over-sized rut in the
first place was a work colleague suggesting we should do it together
and for me, the pain of her succeeding and me failing would have been
more than I could bear.  No chocolate on the market tasted as sweet as
the sight of the scales going lower and lower.

So, if you’ve been talking forever about achieving a goal but doing
nothing about it, think about – and write down – the pain you are
causing yourself now and in the future by not tackling it.  Make your
list as long as possible!  Project forward five years:

If you had
still not achieved that goal, how painful would life be then?

Not painful enough?  What would have to happen to make it so?

Think about what Jamie Oliver did in his fantastic TV series, "School
Dinners".  He was battling to get the kids to stop eating junk food in
favour of wholesome fresh cooked meals and getting nowhere.  He gave
them a choice of chicken nuggets or ‘proper’ chicken.  They all wanted
the nuggets so he agreed they could have them – but that first they’d
have to make them.  He took a pile of chicken skins and other suspect
parts and asked them to feed it all into the food processor before
covering the mixture with breadcrumbs.  The kids were appalled when
they saw what they were really eating.  After weeks of resistance from
them, Jamie Oliver had finally discovered the pain big enough to get
them to rethink their eating habits.

Of course we often set goals because we are motivated by the pleasure
of the end result – our own business, a book we’ve written, a new home
etc – but when you just can’t get into action however much you think
you want to achieve that goal, it might simply be that you haven’t yet
reached your pain threshold.

I’d love to hear your own experiences of what has motivated you to get
up and take action on one of your goals.  Were you motivated by pain,
pleasure – or something else?  Feel free to comment.

I was talking to a former client this evening about a relationship / communication issue she’s battling with.  The issue is rather complex and naturally confidential but it seemed to me there could be little doubt about what action she needed to take.  Of which more in a moment.

I recently spent some time with a colleague I hadn’t seen for rather a long time.  Talking to her, it felt like her life is dominated by fear.  Though outwardly confident and self assured, she worries about the food she eats (no meat, not safe enough), the dangers of air travel (you say it’s turbulence, I say the engine’s failed), the risks to our children of the burgeoning drugs culture (nothing less than 24 hour supervision is required)…

As a ‘lawyer of attraction’, I dislike this mindset which makes her world just as dangerous as she believes it to be.  And to be honest, I didn’t want to spend too much time listening to her fears.  As a business coach, I’m right up for listening to my clients’ concerns and limiting beliefs but in my personal life, with someone who has a conviction the world is big, bad and dangerous, it’s not where I wish to focus my attention.

My world is big, bold and beautiful, thanks.

And a friend then reminded me of a great quote which I tweak here for my own purposes:

A cowardly woman dies a thousand deaths, the brave woman dies but once **

Being scared into paralysis, playing disastrous scenarios over and over, worrying about events that haven’t yet materialised and likely never will, is dying a thousand deaths.  I understand some people describe themselves as "born worriers" but they weren’t, were they?  They learnt to worry for all sorts of reasons.  Because they experienced it at home, because they felt impotent and out-of-control in the face of external events, because they bore a child and loved them too much…

But back to my client who I know is a woman of courage and action and who I also know, knew the answers to the questions she was asking me!  So I asked her one back:

What would a brave woman do?

She laughed and told me without hesitation.  What that action is doesn’t matter, I mean it’s not something I can share here.  But she laughed with relief because despite her uncertainty about the results of the conversation she was going to have to have, doing something about the situation was hugely preferable to worrying and doing nothing.

If you’re struggling with a problem or worrying about a situation, ask yourself the same question, what would a brave woman do?

Don’t worry about what you think you ought to do or narrow your answers because of what you believe you’re not capable of doing.  Asking the question – what would a brave woman do – allows you to be objective, distance yourself from the problem and identify the optimum solutions.

And if, hearing your answers, you realise you know exactly what to do but believe you’re not brave enough yourself to do it, then email me to arrange a consultation!

** "Cowards die many times before their deaths

The valiant never taste of death but once"

Julius Caesar – William Shakespeare